One day she wants to paint a picture of happiness, but right now it seems impossible, like painting a perfect circle.
Or perhaps that would indeed be the image she is looking for.
Once she tried to paint her lover’s kiss. She tried using all the colours she had and turn the image into a kaleidoscope. The painting should have been transparent really, for there was no way to portray both the chaos and the peace inside.
She disappeared into the kiss and found herself in an empty room where her footsteps echoed eerily. The sky was singing outside but she did not care for its melodies. They had nothing to offer except temporary escapes, and she did not want to leave.
Yet, she began to despair because the house was made of canvases that could be torn all too easily. She realised that it was not the room where the echo was, it was the whole world. It felt like opening her eyes would be a crime, it would return the illusion that the ordinary world is real. The world inside the kiss had everything that she had craved for, but that was the very thing making her anxious. It was too much.
She walked outside and saw that God had fallen into the sea and was now drowning, but she did not go and help because she was distracted by beautiful horses. So that is what she finally painted after experimenting with chaos and with canvases painted entirely ultramarine or burnt umber.
When her lover saw the horses he said ‘I thought you were going to paint a kissing couple,’ and she said ‘I did,’ but by then it was too late. He would never understand, and she realised that he had never been in that world of beauty, he merely opened a gate through which he was unable to pass.
Maybe if such beauty, the inexplicable charm of horses, could emerge from within her onto the canvas, there would also be a way to describe happiness. But she would need someone’s help again, these gates are all rusty.
This lover did not have the strength nor the patience to look for the gate. He shrivelled before her eyes, emptied of all he had to offer. He did not have an image of happiness within him, they could not search for it together.
Nevertheless, it was a really nice kiss.